Insomnia

I have had the worst trouble sleeping for this whole trip.... It's like all freakin' day I'm sleepy and bored, then at night... this monster comes lurking into my brain and keeps me up all friggin' night. There are just too many things weighing on my mind:

• i miss Willis
• my neck hurts
• i miss my grandpa
• it's late
• WHAT WAS THAT NOISE
• i don't get to see anyone while i'm here
• why does my neck hurt
• I'm weird
• why can't i sleep
• my aunt hates me now
• little girls are brats
• Hey, i get to see Willis soon
• ow, my neck
• i'm fat
• just kidding
• maybe

Willis.

I've been in California for about a week now....
This is the longest time I've been away from him.
I guess you really realize how dependent you are of someone once their gone.
And I've really realized how very much I love him, because I've never missed someone this much, when they were only going to be gone for two weeks.
I cried when he left me that night, it felt like he was leaving forever...
Two weeks has felt like 2 months. It's only been one week...
One more week to go, and I'll be with him.

This blog is just like a diary, because i know that no one will read it.
I've been torn apart again. By a boy i thought would change my life. My life will never change. No matter how much i try, ill always be lied to, never loved. Only used for what i can give.

Its obvious that im not pretty enough or skinny enough. Im crash dieting again. Dont get mad at me, its his fault. If only i was skinny. Im aiming for 100 flat. Maybe less. Thats only ten pounds away, no biggie. (no more food) i can do this.

I hate that i love him sometimes. Im week, i give in. Im stupid, destructive, careless, whatever.

Untitled.

How could i be fooled again,
Sad unwanted and in love,
I let myself get close enough
to get burned,
my lesson has not yet been learned.
My heart will remain as you found it,
Burned and torn.
Things will never get better,
My life will never change.
I'll always be too dumb to leave,
But i'll love you forever.
When you don't deserve it.

Sometimes

This.

I really want to try this sometime in my life. Alcohol is gross, but this just sounds so good.

This is how we live.

Untitled.

Its weird, how you can sometimes feel so alone when totally surrounded with friends.
Or unloved, when you know you've already found the one.
I cant help feeling the way i do sometimes. Its not my fault.

Gone.

Time goes by faster and faster everyday. I miss my babygurrl Rogue. Shes probably gone.. But i have to remember, All Dogs go to Heaven. I have to go watch that movie now... Poor gurl. I miss her.
I wish shed come lay in bed with me<3
Its hard to not think about what might have happened to her..

Rogue.

I miss my dog.

She kept me feeling safe, even if she couldnt do anything about Danger. She was my best friend, that never needed spoken words for me to spill my heart out to her. All i can do is pray, she's okay...

If i could

Write you a letter,
I would tell you, you changed my life.
I miss You.

art

http://hollandtafarian.daportfolio.com

that is all

Summer

This summer has been great, and there is only about a week left untill school starts.
Don't get me wrong, i'm happy to see people and everything, but i really really don't want school to start. There is plenty of people that i don't want to see. Plenty.
I'm going to miss my job too... which ends in a week.
It feels like I only got one real week of summer.
I went to California with my family and Willis (my boyfriend). Spending time with Willis was fun, and now, all of my family knows him. =) They all like him too. I love that boy.
It was so much fun. I haven't been there in 6 years. And when someone did go down there, it was for a funeral. (There have been at least 4)
I also went to Greenlawn while i was there, which is where everyone is buried. It made me really sad... my aunts don't even have gravestones.
It was soooo sunny. I miss the sun. I miss it so much.
Along with my family, some of my cousins don't even remember me anymore.
It's been too long. I don't plan on letting it get like that again.
Volleyball starts soon! so excited. Except jasmine isn't playing. I don't really have friends on the team at all, so it might be boring. But i love volleyball, and its my senior year. Which is weird. It feels like i started highschool yesterday.
Before i know it highschool will be over. Then college will be over. Etc. Etc.