Insomnia

I have had the worst trouble sleeping for this whole trip.... It's like all freakin' day I'm sleepy and bored, then at night... this monster comes lurking into my brain and keeps me up all friggin' night. There are just too many things weighing on my mind:

• i miss Willis
• my neck hurts
• i miss my grandpa
• it's late
• WHAT WAS THAT NOISE
• i don't get to see anyone while i'm here
• why does my neck hurt
• I'm weird
• why can't i sleep
• my aunt hates me now
• little girls are brats
• Hey, i get to see Willis soon
• ow, my neck
• i'm fat
• just kidding
• maybe

Willis.

I've been in California for about a week now....
This is the longest time I've been away from him.
I guess you really realize how dependent you are of someone once their gone.
And I've really realized how very much I love him, because I've never missed someone this much, when they were only going to be gone for two weeks.
I cried when he left me that night, it felt like he was leaving forever...
Two weeks has felt like 2 months. It's only been one week...
One more week to go, and I'll be with him.

This blog is just like a diary, because i know that no one will read it.
I've been torn apart again. By a boy i thought would change my life. My life will never change. No matter how much i try, ill always be lied to, never loved. Only used for what i can give.

Its obvious that im not pretty enough or skinny enough. Im crash dieting again. Dont get mad at me, its his fault. If only i was skinny. Im aiming for 100 flat. Maybe less. Thats only ten pounds away, no biggie. (no more food) i can do this.

I hate that i love him sometimes. Im week, i give in. Im stupid, destructive, careless, whatever.

Untitled.

How could i be fooled again,
Sad unwanted and in love,
I let myself get close enough
to get burned,
my lesson has not yet been learned.
My heart will remain as you found it,
Burned and torn.
Things will never get better,
My life will never change.
I'll always be too dumb to leave,
But i'll love you forever.
When you don't deserve it.

Sometimes

This.

I really want to try this sometime in my life. Alcohol is gross, but this just sounds so good.

This is how we live.